Harry Potter - Stalker Style
by Sprite Stalker
Summary: Dudley and Voldie have a closer-than-most relationship, Crookshanks and Mrs. Norris create a Demonic Cats union, Harry is sabotaging Ron and Herm's relationship, and Neville realizes his feelings for Trevor...
1. Prologue

**__**

HARRY POTTER: ALTER EGO-STYLE

by JPBP's Alter Ego.

Prologue

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Utterly. (utt'-er-ly) _adv_. Completely such, without qualification or exception.

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Insane_. _(in-sane') _adj._ 1. Afflicted with a serious mental disorder impairing a person's ability to function. 2. Typical of, used by, or for the insane. 3. Very foolish, irrational or absurd.

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Combine those two terms and what do you get?

Harry Potter: Alter Ego-Style, of course.

For example, Voldie and our dearest Duddy are in a closer-than-most relationship. (The only slash I approve of, thank you very much.) Crookshanks and Mrs. Norris have built their own Demonic Cats United organization. Ron and Hermione are dating, but Harry is trying to sabotage Hermione's relationship (he's getting lonely without Ronniekins around). And just for a little added twist, Neville finally realizes his feelings for Trevor.

And one last question for you to ponder before you go on to the next chapter:

What do you get when you combine Professor Snape, the Creevey brothers, a couple of house-elves, and a heck of a lot of pudding?

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--Alter Ego


	2. Whackity Schmack

**__**

HARRY POTTER: STALKER-STYLE

by Sprite Stalker

Chapter One

"Oh, Dudley!"

"Oh, Voldemort!"

"Call me what everyone else calls me," he breathed.

"What's that?"

"Voldie."

"Oh, Voldie!" he tried again.

Just then, the door banged open.

"Would you two keep it down in there?" Harry shouted, glaring at his cousin and his lover. "I have a huge essay on Polyjuice Potions due the first day back!"

"Dad's gonna blow a fuse if he finds out that you're doing magic stuff in the house," Dudley told him, smirking.

"Yeah, well, Uncle Vernon's gonna blow a fuse if he finds out that you had Voldemort over again," Harry tutted. "And making out in your bedroom? I think you should be nice to me."

"Oh, go away," Dudley snapped. Voldemort was nuzzling his neck, moaning.

"Come on, Dudders…"

"Not now Voldie, I have some business to tend to with Harry."

"Oh no, don't let me interrupt this!" Harry threw his hands up innocently. "Just keep it down, will ya?" He slammed the door shut and walked back to his room. Hedwig was perched on top of her cage with an envelope clutched tightly in her claws. She had just arrived with Ron's reply to Harry's letter.

"What have you got there, Hedwig?" He removed the letter from her grip and tore open the envelope. He quickly scanned Ron's letter. It was full of details about how wonderful his summer with Hermione was going. _Blah blah blah,_ Harry thought. _I don't care if you've finally kissed her, Ron. I asked you if it was okay if I could stay at your house this summer!_ A thought struck him. An odd thought, but a thought nevertheless. _Maybe I could dress Dudley up like me and then Hermione could eat a llama!_

Harry paused.

__

What?

****

~*~

Neville Longbottom sat in his room, alone. Well, not necessarily alone if you counted his toad, Trevor.

"I'm so excited to go back to school!" Neville chirped.

"_Ribbit. Ribbit._"

"Harry will be so glad to see us!"

"_Ribbit. Ribbit._"

"Aren't you eager to go back to Hogwarts, Trev-"

"CHILD, ARE YOU TALKING TO THAT BLASTED FROG AGAIN?"

Neville shuddered as his grandmother's voice rang up the stairs to his bedroom.

"No, Grandmum."

"YOU BETTER NOT BE!"

"_Ribbit. Ribbit._"

"Don't worry. I think she's a loony old bat too."

"BOY! I'M WARNING YOU!"

a/n: Dun dun dunnnnn! Will Harry ever get his homework finished? Will Neville ever stop talking to frogs? And not to mention Charlie! See how it all plays out on the next episode of Harry Potter: Stalker-Style!


	3. Sing the Theme Song -- You Know You Want...

**_HARRY POTTER: STALKER-STYLE  
_**by Sprite Stalker  
Chapter Two

On the train a few weeks later, Harry, Ron and Hermione were quietly discussing the color green when Draco Malfoy, followed by his goons, Crabbe and Goyle, sauntered in.

"Hello, Potter."

Harry didn't look at him.

"Oh, it's you, Malf–" Harry was cut short by a burst of laughter from Ron's direction.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF HAGRID HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF, YOU LOONY GIT?" Ron shouted, unable to contain himself.

"What?" Malfoy looked positively confused. "Oh, that." He sighed exasperatedly, as though he were thoroughly exhausted with explaining his … predicament.

It was then that Harry decided to look up. He as well emitted a squawk of laughter, before immediately clapping a hand over his mouth. This proved to be unsuccessful, however.

Draco Malfoy's hair was bright orange!

"Well, you know as well as I do, no one's hair can naturally be the silver color, unless they're part veela (which I'm not; I just like to pretend to be, because it gives me a reason for my otherwise unexplainable vanity). So I was dying it last night to get rid of the icky red color-"

"He has red hair?" Crabbe whispered to Goyle. Both began snickering but promptly desisted when Malfoy proceeded to elbow both of them in the balls.

"Ironic," Ron said. "He's always teasing me for having red hair…" Malfoy tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm done."

"Thank you," Malfoy sighed with a "Valley Girl" tone to his voice. "Anyway, the dye job went wrong. I think someone must have accidentally hexed it while it was at the factory. My father was going to sue Hopeful Harriet's Hair Coloring for every Knut they've got-"

"Hopeful Harriet?" Hermione repeated. "My mum uses that brand. It's a brand made specially for females."

"And you question that because…?"

"Shut up, Weasley," Malfoy snapped. "I use it to prevent split ends." He said this in a very feminine tone. "Anyway… I told Father not to take Hopeful Harriet to the Ministry because I rather like the new color."

No one said anything.

"I'm considering spiking it; you know, like those American rock stars," he continued. "Or I might dye it blonde – a normal color of blonde – and comb it down… Granger, could you help me curl my hair? I think curls would fit my bone structure perfectly."

Hermione whispered to Ron, "I think our dear Draco is a bit queer."

"Well, yeah! He's always been a bit odd, don't ya think? Hanging around with those loonies – and look who he's got for a father-"

"No, Ron, you thundering great prat," Hermione interrupted. "Not that kind of queer."

Ron stopped dead, comprehended this for a moment, then scooted over several inches in the direction opposite of Malfoy. 

((I BEGAN HERE*pause* Do you think I said it loud enough?----))Unfortunately, for the entire trip to Hogwarts, Draco had decided to hang around and swap beauty secrets with Hermione, who was more than happy to also exchange hair care tips and tricks as she had tamed her her this summer so it fell smoothly around her shoulders. Ron kept edging away from Draco, just incase he might pounce, and Harry tried desperately not to puke as they got onto the subject of perfume and clothes.

Conviently though, they arrived about two minutes later, and filed off the train. As they were walking towards the carriages (Hermione and Draco still whispering and giggling) people kept pointing and bursting into fits of laughter as they saw Draco and his new hair. Someone commented about there being a long lost Weasley after all.

So there they are hanging out in the Great Hall, waiting for the Sorting Ceremony to start, when Hermione got that look upon her face when she's just discovered something. "I've just had a thought..."

"What's that?" Ron turned to look at her.

"Well...no, you'll just laugh."

"When have we ever laughed at you, Hermione?" Harry put in, also curious to know what the idea was.

"Well, there was that time in potions...Care of Magical Creatures...that time when Fred put a wolf spider-"

Ron shuddered.

"-in my bed-"

"Alright! We get the idea. But we won't laugh this time. We swear."

She paused, looked around a little bit, then motioned for them to move closer. "Well, since we've arrived here, have you noticed we haven't seen Mrs. Norris once! She's usually at the front of the castle with Filch."

"I fail to see the significance of this information, Hermione." Harry stated just as the Sorting Ceremony was started.

"That's because I haven't finished yet! What if right now," she lowered her voice a bit more, "what if right now, she's planning some secret meeting for cats, and are planning to take over the castle!"

Harry and Ron blinked at her, then silently turned to the sorting.

~*~Meanwhile, At The Meeting For The Secret Cat Demon Society...~*~

[Note: For your convenience(as I don't know many who can speak Meowish)we have translated everything from the meeting. Enjoy]

Mrs. Norris: Welcome fellow Demon Cats! To the first Secret Cat Demon Society meeting of the year!

All The Students Cats: *touch paw on nose**chant*We are honored to be of this society that upholds the pride of cats everywhere!

Mrs. Norris: Very good. Now, while all the humans are having their little feast, we must plan our list of 'Ways To Annoy My Human' that we shall use for this year. Any ideas? Yes, Fluffy.

Fluffy: Bring in dead mice and hide them in the bed sheets!

Mrs. Norris: Ah, yes, a classic*scratches something down on the paper in Meowish*

Random Cat: *raises paw*

Mrs. Norris: Cosmo.

Cosmo: Shredding homework is always a good one. But you have to remember to play cute if they catch you, other whise they might punish you by not bringing you after dinner treats.

Society: *shudder at the thought*

Mrs. Norris: Excellent point. Which reminds me of a notice this year. A new rule has been added, thanks to SOME cat's carelessness.

Friskey: *cowers*

Mrs. Norris: It seems we are to have to give up hunting that toad, that one of the humans keeps. It seems that there was an incident in where the toad actually beat the cat-*glares at Friskey*-thus shaming us as the humans thought it to be quite humorus. But to continue with the list.....


End file.
